Trust? Friendship? Fuck.

Minsan lang ako mag-blog ng English. Minsan lang din ako magsalita ng English. Gaano kadalas ‘yung minsan? Pag me articles na pinapagawa profs namin o kaya pag debate class/confab, recitation o kung di naman, I’m under some intense emotion (mostly sad ones). Ikaw ng bahalang humusga kung bakit ako mag-i-English ngayon.

All my life, I never really wanted to feel loved or cared about. Those are feelings I have grown up with. Feelings I never wished to feel for they are something I never lacked. So what do I wanna feel, you ask? It is to be trusted. Not that I lack trust. It’s just something I enjoy feeling.

Trust. A sad word. It’s something you, people, don’t give at once or don’t give at all. Something earned by people, maybe, who are close to you or perhaps those people who have done good to you in some of the most helpless times of your life or those you have learnt to trust all these years because you were guided by them. Simply put, trust is something you don’t give away easily. No, not at all unless you’re an idiot or you’re too innocent you don’t know a thing about life or maybe you’re just credulous. Whichever way, I don’t give a fuck.

So why am I spitting bullshits over trust right now? I, oh yes, I just found out something I have long wanted to know and have long asked some people to tell me days ago. It is actually so tiny, you wouldn’t mind at all. But knowing that these people you have asked about it knew it and decided not to tell it to you and leave you the only person not knowing it is something you would give some fuck time to. It’s petty you would wanna laugh at my face and tell me how big an ass I am for digging in too deep. But… that’s not just that.

Knowing this made me feel betrayed. Felt like there is some connivance going on and I was left for a fool. Okay. Given. The issue is just about something so soooo small. But how can you be trusted with bigger things if you are not trusted with the tiniest ones? I told you. All I ever wanna feel is to be trusted. Not that I’m insisting that you should trust me but hey, aren’t we friends?

I’m not saying that you, my friends or so I thought were, must tell me every single detail of your existence. No. I won’t actually waste a day or a week listening and memorizing your stories but that little stuff? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. Or maybe, you don’t know it’s just me.

Knowing this, I felt out of place. Seems as if I have been with people I don’t really know for quite a time now. Tell me I’m over reacting or what, be it. But hearing stories you don’t know while they’re laughing and having fun would make you feel out of place, won’t you? If you won’t feel that way, congrats! Dude, that’s talent.

Maybe I was just reacting this way because I thought these were people I would gladly share beautiful moments of my life with. People I thought would be godparents of my future children if I ever wanna get married and enter the married life despite the fact that I don’t enjoy a thing in the kitchen or if I ever get pregnant with myself alone. These people… whom I call friends.

Need I tell you what “friends” are? Oh man, they don’t just laugh with you or go someplace with you. Not this shallow.

That fact hit me but this actually didn’t even make me any less of a person. Just sad to know you weren’t trusted by “your friends” with such little stuff. Anyways, I guess that’s life. Just like what I always say, people are people. You cannot dictate them what to do, say or feel just like how depressing it is to admit that you cannot tell or even ask them to love, care for, respect or just trust you.

However, I would just have some time alone, re-think of these words I puked, let myself get its sanity and understanding back, make believe nothing happened and act as if I’ve forgotten things because friendship is friendship. And when I call you friend, it is forever. But when it is stained, it is stained.

Minsan lang ako mag-blog o magsalita ng English. Obvious namang hindi ‘to artikulong ipapasa ko sa prof ko at lalong halatadong wala ako sa recitation o debate competition para sumandaling kalimutan ang wika ko. Kaya ikaw ng bahalang umintindi kung bakit English ‘to.

(Tsokolate ng Parokya ni Edgar)